Writing Analysis and Lesson Plan

Writing Analysis                                                                                                           January 21, 2011

Overview:
This young writer has some great ideas going and as the reader, I want to know more. I would like to hear more about the transitions from what led from which event to the next. I would also like to see more description of events as they sound interesting yet, there is more to the story the writer is not telling. Transitions in this writing are a bit rough and need content to further the connections between the ideas throughout the story.  Ideally I would like the writer to read the piece out loud before beginning to work with him as self-evaluation is a crucial piece to the writing process (Routman, 253).  This will help him be part of the goal setting process thus, empowers him as a writer, as ultimately he is not just writing for me, he is writing for himself and perhaps a greater audience.

Ideas and Content #1 from six traits (NWREL, 1992)

In the beginning of my writer’s writing, he uses the words “like” twice in the first three sentences which tells me he is trying to describe how he is feeling “like burning hot” however; it distracts the reader from the “real content” of the three sentences which are heavy to the importance of the story. Without these extra words, the reader is engaged at the start. The writer describes that he is burning hot however, does not continue that thought leaving the reader to wonder why he woke up burning hot which leads him to drink the milk (hence obtaining the bottle which is at the heart of the story). The first idea about drinking the milk because he is hot is good if I know why he is hot, secondly, he then goes to the beach but suddenly, he is in his house then next at the beach which leaves the reader without a smooth transition. The transition could use a sentence or two preceding it to make it less abrupt lending to better flow of the ideas which are strong. On the second page, I like how the writer includes his best friend (in real life). He talks about how they suddenly got scared however, the reader is left not knowing how and why they suddenly felt this way. I am curious to know more about this idea. The writer continues to talk about the day/falling asleep and awakening the next morning. The treasure map in the bottle leads him to 60 grand which he uses to buy a Lamborghini. This is a cute idea however; I would like to know more about that journey that

led him to his money and car. Overall the ideas are there. The transitions and details between the main ideas are not there. Smooth transitions and greater coverage of what led to what and why would help this cute story.

Organization:

The story sequences well. As the reader, I know what leads to what and the order in which

events fall. I do not have enough information on how and why what led to what which leaves me hanging in curiosity however, frustration as well. Transitions, if present are abrupt. The details between the main ideas are scarce. The main ideas and the organization of those ideas are clear.  Disconnects happen when the writer says he drank all of the milk and then in the next sentence, he went to the beach. There could be a transition sentence before the writer leads the reader to the beach.  Another disconnect happens when the writer falls asleep in his story then suddenly he checks on the bottle but is not there. There could be a transition about waking up as that is missing.'
Word Choice:
The writer uses good word choice. Word use makes sense for the story. Occasionally the writer includes unnecessary words and distracting words such as "I'm like burning hot" as opposed to saying "I feel burning hot." The writer also goes outside to open the "dum" bottle. The writer might consider a better word for describing the bottle. Aside from the two examples above, all other words used work well for the story.
Voice:

The story has voice in that it makes the reader feel some anticipation on what happens with the

bottle. The reader could benefit from the writer going into further description in why the person in the story wakes up hot causing him to drink milk hence finding the bottle. The reader could also benefit from knowing more about why the person feels scared in the story and how he felt when he woke up the next morning with the bottle missing.  It would be beneficial for the writing to go further in depth about the feelings of the subjects in the story. This would help with voice and further engage the reader. I would also like to read a further description about this Lamborghini he buys with his 60 grand.

Sentence Fluency:

As mentioned in previous categories, sentence fluency could use improvement. Transitions need to be added between main ideas which are clearly laid out. These transitions need to include further detail and information on what led to what and why. There are few sentence fragments as well. The thoughts above pertaining to organization could also be applied here with sentence fluency.  The reader needs to know how the writer gets from one event to the next in the story. For example, the map he finds leads him to 60 grand. I also want to know more about that journey which would lend itself to a transition before finding the 60 grand - hence the Lamborghini.
Conventions:
For the most part, writing conventions are strong. There was only one instance where a sentence started with a lower case t. Sentences are brief and puncuated correctly. There is also a period missing at the end of the story. There is enough consistnency however, that the writer is clearly aware of basic writing rules primarily, not having run-on sentences, beginning sentences with a capital letter and ending them with a period.
Spelling:
The student makes some spelling errors. Errors made are as follows: degrese (degrees), dwon (down), latter (later), roolled (rolled), peice (piece), bottle (bottle) - yet he spells this word correctly in the next sentence - , opend (opened). He spelled knew as in I knew correctly then changed it to new and he spelled led as in I was led as lead. The last word is Lambergini (Lamborghini). A few of the words above were spelled correctly if used in a different context however, mispelled in the context he used them in. The writer is sounding words out. He does care about spelling and tries wants to know if he is spelling words write during our conferences. His favorite thing to work on is spelling when we meet with him on Tuesdays. In sum,  I would place this writer in the Within Word Patten and Syllables and Affixes spelling stages (Bear & Barone, 1989).

6 Traits Continuum:

At this point this student is between a three (Developing) and a four (Effective)

Conclusion: The writer has a good story which is well on its way to becoming a lot better. With some help elaborating on main ideas, gradual transitions including further detail and some help with sentence fragments, a good story will come to fruition.

Lesson Plan                                                                                                              January 21, 2011

Objective:

The objective for this lesson is to analyze the writer’s story. He needs help with generating greater detail to support main ideas and developing smoother transitions between these main ideas. There are some sentence fragments which need to be addressed as well.

Standards:

GLE 1.2 Produces drafts

GLE 1.3 revises to improve text

GLE 1.4 Edits text

GLE 3.1 Develops ideas and organizes writing

Materials:

Pencils, skinny multi-colored post-it notes (which each color stands for where elaboration is needed) i.e. further detail and development of ideas or transition needed, a few pieces of blank lined paper and markers for any illustrations the student wants to add.

Instructional strategies:

This lesson will occur in a writing conference context. I will first have the student read his draft aloud. Following this, I will talk with the student about his draft asking him further questions about what I was wondering about after I read the first draft. I want to hear the complete thoughts relating to the main ideas verbally. I will point out what he did really well on such as the main ideas and the sequencing of those ideas. I also like the beginning, middle and end of the story however, it left me hanging and I would like to brainstorm with him further detail to make these main ideas come alive. This is not mutually exclusive of the transitions which need to be smoother with greater detail between main events. I will talk with the writer where in the draft these main ideas need to be enhanced as well as where in the draft the transitions need to provide greater detail assisting in fluency. We will talk about these ideas until the conclusion of our conference. For shared demonstration, we will read the story aloud together. I will make suggestions on what he can add, take away or possible transition sentences. I will request his response and feedback to my suggestions.  For guided practice, we will take some of the ideas we are working to develop and clarify student's thinking on where we will be heading with the ideas to ensure that the student and I are are the same track yet, he owns the story. I will address some issues I see with transitions, and missing information for ideas and will request his solutions for these developments. For example, when he leads from falling asleep to then checking on the bottle and it was not there. This leads the reader to be confused. Is the person in the story still asleep when he checks on the bottle or did he wake up and checking on it. There are some missing elements that need to be clarified and further information is needed from the writer to make a better story.  Following the conference, I will ask the writer to work independently to add some of what we talked about to his draft such as the transitions between the main ideas and greater detail to the events of the story.  Upon working independently, the writer will come back to me and we will discuss next steps toward producing his final draft.

Assessment:

I will look to see how our conference played out through looking at changes, adjustments and

additions throughout the paper. I will look to ensure that thoughtfulness and care went back into the writing.  Transitions should be improved or implemented, details about the main ideas expanded and sentence fragments corrected. The hope is that the student moved up on the six traits continuum.